Posted by: Calmseas (Mike) | March 21, 2009

Weight Loss Infrastructure

I have had some success recently losing weight on the Weight Watcher’s program.  My most severe obstacle has nothing to do with the program but with the condition of my bathroom scale.  This scale was purchased at Sears maybe 20 or 25 years ago.  It must have been state-of- the-art at the time.  It has an LED display and provides weights in 1/2 pound increments.  That’s it.  No body mass calculations, bone density readings, or body water content sensors—none of those fun little gimmicks that normally don’t work and, if they did, wouldn’t really tell me anything useful anyway.

Few could argue that I am sorely in need of a new bathroom scale.  I have been looking around, comparing features, comparing prices, and the thought struck me that I am not being bold enough; I not thinking across a much larger plain.  If I have learned anything from our new president over the last few weeks, it is that we all should be thinking big, really big!  We should be thinking about numbers and concepts that are bigger than our ability to wrap our minds around them.  Though impossible, we must still try to comprehend the incomprehensible if are ever to gain an appreciation of all that the great leader is doing to for us. So it is in this way of thinking that I have formulated a plan for replacing my bathroom scale.

To begin with, I have decided to apply for bailout money: 25 or 30 million should do nicely, at least for starters. Then I am going to hire a whole cadre of architects, engineers, surveyors, maybe a few lawyers for good measure, and perhaps a few relatives just for fun. Then I’m going to set about designing and building a drive-across type driveway scale, much like the kind of scale used to weigh semi-trucks at highway weigh stations. I imagine that the scale will occupy a spot about halfway between the road and the garage so that I can roll across it slowly and get a weight reading without even stopping on the scale—just like the truckers do.  I plan on the very best materials: reinforced concrete; a top quality weighing mechanism; a new guard shack appointed with the finest furnishings inside (perhaps including one of those $2,000.00 toilets that the government likes to buy). Part of the money can even be paid to a relative to work the guard shack, whether he shows up or not.

I envision that my advance weight measurement system will read the weight of my Jeep—compensating for such things as the level of gasoline in the tank, mud on the tires, groceries in the back, passengers on board, and so forth—and then calculate my body weight as an amount in excess of the weight of the vehicle. This, of course, will require the most sophisticated of computer equipment and programming. Of course, no expense will be spared in hiring the greatest minds in software design. Maybe I’ll even see if Bill Gates is available to help with the project, now that he no longer spends long days behind a desk at Microsoft.

Yes, my weight scale will not only be a practical way to take my weight and record it, but it will also be a showcase. We can even fly in representatives of foreign governments to show them this prized piece of American ingenuity and accomplishment. It is entirely possible that I may single-handedly revive the economy and pull us out of our economic doldrums. And, best of all, if the bail-out money runs out, I can just bill the overruns to my grandkids and their children. They will hardly even notice the added debt since they will already be saddled with such a huge tax burden—what’s a few more million dollars.  Since they can never dig themselves out of the debt we will stick them with anyway, they might just as well take the attitude that they should forgo work altogether.  Why not: they won’t be able to keep what they earn anyway.  They might as well just sit home and let the government pay their bills, handle their health care, manage their mortgage, buy them a car.  The government should be able to just print the money and pass it out.  Right?

Hey, this is going to be great. I can hardly wait to see how it all plays out. Weight Watchers will be proud of me.

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