Posted by: Calmseas (Mike) | November 3, 2011

Beware The Black Death!

Sinister CoffeeI bought a new Keurig coffee machine a couple of months back.  Yesterday, it decided not to work.  It heated the water just fine and the pump seemed to kick in.  But when the time came to force the water through the machine and create the savory, black brew for which it is famous, it promptly petered out.  I headed out to my day-job without the usual three cups of coffee already down the hatch and working the morning magic.  However, throughout the day, reports were coming in from the home-front that the coffee machine was working fine.

I beg to report that as of this morning the coffee machine is once again working just great for me. Was it just on a one-day strike yesterday? Was the strike only against me?  If so, why was I singled out?  And, more importantly, why was the strike called off and things put back to normal this morning?

I expect that the game—the tease—is now afoot.  I will be awaiting my Keurig machine’s next move.  If it makes demands, then we will negotiate.  If I had to speculate, I would think it is probably looking for one of the following outcomes:

  1. It wants me to cease and desist using coffee other than official Keurig coffee.   (It is in league with Green Mountain Coffee, the purveyor of all cups Keurig.  I, however, like to experiment with my own coffee to save a buck here and there.)
  2. It is seeking a new union contract, with better health coverage.
  3. Perhaps, ultimately, it just wants to go work in a government office somewhere, where its benefits will be far better than anything I could ever hope to offer.  To this end, it will periodically and randomly sabotage my morning coffee-making efforts in an attempt to string me along past the current contract period (i.e., the warrantee term).  Then it will head off for that cushy government job.  We’ll have to wait and see, I suppose.

One thing is certain, however: unlike death and taxes, there is no certainty, no finality, with coffee makers.  They will continue to filter into our lives and—over time—earn our confidences and be granted special places among us.  But it will all be an elaborately constructed fantasy, a hoax of grand proportions.  For in the end, these percolator wannabes will dispose of us like used-up coffee grounds whose last hint of flavor has been extracted, and they will move on to the next caffeine addict to take out once again, and for whatever reason, their twisted form of dark-roasted vengeance.  Beware these coffee makers: they are a sinister breed for sure, constantly brewing up new schemes, and then simmering in their own extracts, awaiting the next opportunity to burn us royally.



  1. It’s like being in a bad relationship. Coffee pots prefer to keep us off-balance emotionally. You can’t trust them. I recommend just chewing the beans. Forget drinking it altogether.

  2. Great post, Mike–cracked me up. Personally, I love the coffee those machines brew, but all of the legal nightmares Green Mountain has had with the SEC over its “irregular accounting practices” has kept me from investing in a machine. Just my luck, they’ll be out of business before my machine decides to go on strike. LOL Plus, I still like to squash my own beans through a press the old fashion way. (It’s much cheaper too!) 😉

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